Forgotten Revised
by Hououza
Summary: After countless attempts at getting my original attempts to work I went back to the begining, starting with the original idea. I hope this opener will better convey the scene as Asuka struggles to understand a world she can no longer recall.


**Forgotten:1 – Awakening**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of the characters they are the property of their respective creators. Please be aware that no profit is being made from this work of fan fiction._

Haunted by the events of the past month I had fallen into a deep sleep, still unwilling to accept the weight that had lifted from my heart when he had finally returned alive. It's not like I like him…I don't! It's just that while he was trapped like that, Mr. Kaji told me that I had been the reason he came back, after seeing what happened to Unit-02 he returned to the command centre to the man he refused to call father any longer, to beg for his reinstatement in order to slay the angel and save my life or if need be, avenge my death. It was so stupid, so arrogant, so typically male for him to try and be heroic, the worst part being when Unit-01 had taken him, it left me no way to tell him how stupid he was.

Now that he was back, tomorrow I would tell him what a fool he was how stupid he had been to go and get himself injured like that and that it changed nothing between us. I was still the best even if had been the one to save me. It was with that thought I had drifted into sleep only to wake up in this darkness, this featureless void that seemed to stretch out in all directions. Even if this was a dream I still could feel the cold seeping into my body. Looking down, I found myself naked, the clothes that protected my real body absent in this dream, imagined place. Hugging my knees to conserve what warmth I could as I began to wonder why it was I had been brought to this place…

_Asuka_

A voice called out to me yet even as I could hear the voice echoing inside my head at the same time I knew it was not passing through my ears, rather the sound was passing directly into my head. The sound was definitely female, as best as I could tell it belonged to someone perhaps a few years younger than Misato. Craving an end to the loneliness, the emptiness of this place, I turned to seek out the source of it, to find the other light in this darkness. I uncurled myself, rising to my feet before circling once; never quite able to catch sight of the speaker until at last I grew disorientated and dropped once more to my knees. It was then I heard the voice once again, this time it sounded as if the speaker was beside me as it was far louder than it had been the first.

_Asuka_

Unwilling to play this game any longer I remained in place, my head turned towards what served as ground in this place. I remained that way until a hand brushed against my cheek, making me look up. A person now stood before me, a woman who looked so hauntingly familiar. She too, was naked, her body reminding me of my own or perhaps my body as it would be in a few years from now. Flame red hair like my own framed her face even as she looked down at me with those same blue eyes, ones that reminded me of my mother…a sudden spike of fear filling my senses I pushed away her hands, terrified that this apparition was another ghost of my mother, come to complete what she had never been to do and take me into the afterlife with her.

_Asuka_

"No!"

I screamed, feeling my words sucked into the void as soon as they left my throat. Even so the woman seemed to hear me and her posture changed ever so slightly as she tried to reach out to me once again.

_Please Asuka, do not be afraid._

"No!"

Feeling my sanity unravel as the mindless, nameless terror consumed my thoughts I screamed out once again before shoving her away, into the darkness. I watched as she fell, her body falling onto the black surface before sinking slowly almost as if the ground had turned to quick sand. All the while I watched, mesmerised as she sank deeper into the blackness. Even as she did so her hand continued to reach out to me as she sank ever deeper, as her soft voice called out to me, begging me to save her from her plight.

_Please Asuka! You must help me! _

I shook my head, remaining motionless as her face sank into the darkness, the dark and viscous fluid filling her nose and mouth even as she made her final silent plea.

_Asuka! Please! For Shinji! You must help me! _

Startled at hearing his name I began to stand, wanting to know how it was that she knew him, why he would be involved. By now only her hand was visible, that too slowly sinking away. I threw myself forwards, taking hold with both hands, trying with all my strength to pull her free of the darkness. It was to no avail, the darkness had too greater hold and soon I felt myself being draw in as well and was forced to release my hold entirely lest I be lost alongside her. I watched as the tips of her fingers vanished and then when I pressed my fingers against the place she had been but a moment before I felt solid ground, as if it had been solid all along. As a wave of chill washed over me I once more pulled my knees towards me, alone once again.

I woke from my dream still filled with that same cold, desperate for warmth and sensing it beside me I moved up against it, soaking up every drop of the comforting heat that poured into my body, slowly pushing away the cold. Still, the cold would no leave me entirely and in desperation I pulled myself closer to the source of heat, pushing my body fully up against it. It was then that I realised, when the heat sources stirred slightly, that it was another person lying beside me. My still half sleeping mind reacted violently to this discovery; someone had snuck into my bed during the night and was now lying beside me. The feeling of uncertainty was made all the more real when I realised that I could feel skin against my own, that we were both naked beneath the sheets.

My senses spread further as I began to regain feeling in the remainder of my body, for the first time feeling the soreness of my thighs and lower regions. Though I have never had sex with anyone I had heard enough from other women that had that it hurt the first time and would often continue to do so if your lover was not gentle or if you did it too often. The fact that I was experiencing such a feeling told me that I must have had sex recently, most likely with the person who now lay beside me. At once my temper flared, the man beside me had stolen my virginity from me, as I had not consented to have sex with anyone while I was awake. I would make him pay for what he had done to me…to suffer in ways he could no begin to imagine.

In the darkness I could see nothing but his silhouette, an outline of his body as he lay with his back towards me. From what I could tell he was of similar height and medium build that immediately ruled out the one man who I would wanted to have been with me in this way. The only remaining suspect was my only male roommate, or at least the only human male. In truth part of me refused to accept that meek little Shinji would do such a thing, that he would have the courage to sneak into my bed and make lo…no, rape me while I slept. None the less he was here, lying beside me even as the pain continued to remind me of his crimes…even if he had saved me, even if I had spent the past month feeling as if a part of me was missing while I believed he would not return…

There would be no forgiveness for this crime, he would face my wrath before I handed him other to Misato, to face the punishment he so rightly deserved…I pulled away from his body, ignoring the loss of warmth even as I rolled him gently on his back, careful not to wake him, before settling myself upon his stomach, just above his thighs. From this position I could keep him pinned beneath me, prevent him from running away until I was done. I would give him to Misato eventually, but only once my rage had been satisfied. He had taken something from me, something that could not be replaced. A moment spent preparing mentally I drew back my hand, swearing to wake him with the first blow.

_Slap _

The force of the contact sent his head sweeping to the side, part of me tried to gain my attention, pointing out how wrong his face felt, how a thousand tiny prickles had pressed against my palm as it connected soundly with the side of his face. I quickly forced it down, not caring about anything other than having my revenge upon him. His head snapped back into place even as I was sure his eyes opened to look at me even if I could not see the expression on his face. All the things I had been expecting, all the cries of mercy, of fear did not come, and instead he remained oddly silent. Growing frustrated I raised my hand to strike again only to have it caught mid swing.

"I'm awake already."

He spoke casually, as if my striking him and our current situation was nothing out of the ordinary. An idle thought struck me in that moment of confusion, that his voice sounded different than I recalled it to be, there was a deeper undertone to it, making it sound more reminiscent of the Commander's. Pushing such thoughts aside I focused instead on my rage, attempting to strike him again with my remaining free hand. Once again, to my further frustration, he caught my wrist with his other hand. I tried to pull free yet his grip was far stronger than I would have believed possible and I found it impossible to release myself from his grasp.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You're period isn't for another couple of weeks and as far as I recall I haven't done anything to tick you off this much lately."

I was shocked into silence by his words, not only did he see nothing wrong with the fact that he had not only snuck into my bed but then proceeded to rape me but the bastard also knew the timing of my period! Adrenaline surged in my veins and I finally tore my arms free of his grasp, rather than trying to strike him again, knowing that he would most likely just catch my arms again I resolved to go and get Misato. I forced myself off him, planting my feet firmly on the floor and pulling the sheets around me to cover my naked body. After tying an impromptu knot to keep them from falling I fled the room, blinking as I was greeted by the sunlight streaming into the apartment.

The familiar surroundings of Misato's living room greeting me, even if they seemed somewhat different to how I remembered them being…the furnishings were not as I remembered, how they could have changed overnight I could not fathom. A sound from the direction of the bedroom concentrated my thoughts, reminding me I needed to wake Misato before Shinji came after me, there was no telling what he might do now…I made my way towards the room where our guardian resided as quietly as possible, not wanting to alert him to what I was doing for as long as possible. The fact that he was stronger than me now would present a problem if he was to corner me in the living room then and there would be little I could do to escape him.

Driven by my rage and more recently fear, I hurried to her door before knocking softly. Most likely she would still be asleep, after drinking all that Yebitsu last night it would be surprising if she was going to be awake before midday. When I received no answer I knocked again, harder, expecting at least a muffled groan in reply…when there was still no response, not even a groan, I began to worry. Perhaps today was one of the few times she had left early…no! That was impossible! She told me last night that she was going to spend today at home to catch up with Shinji. I knocked again, hard enough to make the door tremble slightly and yet I still received no indication that she had heard me.

"Misato?"

I spoke carefully, not quite willing to alert Shinji to what I was doing, silently praying that he had not worked out what the banging was but a moment before. Still I was met only by silence. Growing impatient I finally put aside my restraint and slid open the door…the sight that greeted me was not what I was expecting to see, instead of the overly messy bedroom I was greeted by the simple furnishing of a study, a few pictures placed here and there. Unable to believe it was real, I stepped inside the room, reaching out to pick up one of the pictures, my fingers brushing across the cool metal of its frame. From upon the glossy paper a pair of all too familiar eyes looked back at me, the eyes of the woman from my dream…

My hand shaking, I almost dropped the picture even as my eyes shifted to the man standing beside her, his odd blue eyes reminding me vaguely of Shinji. Yet, in looks this man reminded me more of his father, the solemn expression on his face similar to the one the Commander always wore. Now, as I allowed my gaze to pull backwards, no longer looking at their faces but now taking in their whole bodies a thought occurred to me, that the two were not dressed in normal clothes but instead what appeared to be traditional Japanese wedding kimonos. This was someone's wedding photo; I allowed my eyes to drift downwards once again, towards the bottom of the frame on which there were engraved two names…

Startled, I dropped the picture, barely noticing the sound as the frame crashed into the floor. I fled the room, no longer certain that I was in Misato's apartment any longer, now afraid that Shinji had somehow kidnapped me and taken me elsewhere. Part of my mind scoffed at the ridiculousness of that idea, the idiot couldn't plan something as complex as that on his own…yet, my mind reminded me, he had planned well enough to get me alone and to take advantage of me while I slept. I made for the bathroom; intent on confirming my fears, if that too was not as I expected then it would prove I was no longer in Misato's apartment. I slid open the door only to freeze as I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and at once all other things were forgotten.

Instead of the face of the fifteen-year-old girl I knew, I was instead greeted by the face of a woman, more specifically the face of the woman from my dreams. Uncertain and afraid, my rage forgotten, I reached up a hand to brush against my face, watching as the woman in the mirror copied my actions. Walking forwards, watching as my counterpart did the same, I closed the distance between until her face was only inches away and I reached out only to find my fingers pressing against the cool glass. Unable to understand what was happening I stepped back only to gasp, as a second figure appeared in the mirror, a man standing behind the reflection I now knew to be my own.

I turned to face him, searching those now unfamiliar blue orbs, looking for any trace of the boy I knew. There was no anger left within me now, the shock had caused the flames of my rage to flicker and die, leaving a growing void in their wake. He regarded me silently, his unspoken words questioning me, seeking understanding of my actions. I had no words to express what I felt, no way to voice the waves of confusion sweeping through my mind. I felt the darkness rising within me, a great crashing wave threatening to submerge my consciousness. In that final moment, before it claimed me, casting me back to that dark place in my mind I managed to form a single word.

"Why?"

Once again I found myself back in that place, the void inside my mind. Cut off from all external stimulus I was left alone with my thoughts, left to ponder what I had seen in those few moments that I had entered what had seemed to be the waking world. My own body had been replaced with that of the woman from before, now revealed to be an older incarnation of myself. That was why she had looked so familiar, why she reminded me so much of my mother, because with age it seemed I had become her ghost or shadow, a pale reflection of the woman I once knew, the one who killed her daughter or rather the doll she believed to be her child…old wounds reopened as I remembered those terrible moments when I had found her as a child.

It was then that I had thrown myself into piloting Eva, with nothing else left for me I had sworn to become the best pilot so that everyone would love me and so that I would never be alone…in the end, despite all the adoration I endured, despite the constant praise, it had all been hollow. I had lived inside an empty shell; meeting the world with a persona I created for myself, hiding away the scared little girl inside. When I met Shinji, I immediately hated him because he was like me—lost and afraid—yet he, unlike me did not hide behind a different face. Without trying, without all the sacrifices I had made, he surpassed me as a pilot, he took my place…the worst thing of all was that he wanted none of it, constantly refuting other's praise. Worst of all he tried to help me and in my fury and arrogance I pushed him away.

That was what made the picture so painful, what made it fall from my fingers even as my blood ran cold. Two names had been scratched into the cool metal of the picture's frame, the names of the two people pictured above where it was engraved…

_Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu, married 1st of June 2022_

How could I have lowered myself to marry that fool, even in the dream world that it must have been how could I possibly delude myself into thinking that idiot was worthy of me. Even if he was almost as handsome as Kaji, even if those cold blue orbs caused heat to pool in my belly, there was no reason why I would want to marry him because in the end he couldn't help me.

_Asuka _

Once more the woman's voice assailed me, calling my name. Slowly I felt my rage return to me as I let out my frustration at her perceived stupidity.

"Why? Why the hell did you marry him? What could you possibly see in an idiot like him!"

_Love. _

"Love? I would never love that fool! He wouldn't save me! He ran away!"

_But that was because you rejected him. _

"So? He isn't Kaji; he's not a man, just a boy. Why should I waste my time on someone like him?"

_He cares. _

I laughed at the absurdity of her statement.

"Was that why he pulled away when I kissed him? Why he talked to the doll instead of me?"

_He pulled away because you held his nose, you stopped him from breathing. He went to her because she would listen to him. Despite all that happened he still saved you, over and over again._

"I could have saved myself!"

No…you needed him, you were just too afraid to admit that you needed anybody.

"Shut up! Just shut up! You don't know anything!"

_I know more than you believe, even the things you have made yourself forget._

I turned away from her, no longer willing to continue this debate, not wanting to hear anymore of how that idiot was better than me.

_He died to save you, gave up perfection to be with you once again._

Her words made no sense; I couldn't understand what she was saying.

"What are you talking about? He didn't die when Unit-01 took him!"

_That is not what I was referring to, but the time that I speak of is lost to you._

"Stop this! Stop playing with me! Stop taunting me with words that make no sense!"

_You can't hide here forever Asuka; eventually the past will catch up with you._

With those final words she faded from view, leaving me alone once again. I fought to push them from my mind, refusing to accept that Shinji could ever be worthy of me, how could I ever love a boy who chose to run away rather than stand and fight for the ones most important to him…even if he came back to fight for me, even if he killed the angel and almost died, he wasn't there for me, when I called for him he wasn't there and for that I can never forgive him, never forgive him for abandoning me…

I woke to find myself in neither my bedroom nor the apartment from my dream but rather in what looked to be a hospital room, the plain white ceiling strangely familiar to me. Hearing movement from my left side, I turned my head only to find myself staring into the concerned eyes of an adult Shinji, his presence telling me that I was yet to escape this dream. Concern sparkled in those twin blue orbs and for a moment I saw something else, something I had never seen in a man's eyes before, at least not when he had been looking at me…even if this was a dream I was ill prepared for him to show these kinds of feelings. Feeling uncomfortable, I turned away, breaking the contact of our eyes, simply wanting this dream to end so I could tell the real Shinji what an idiot he was for saving me and thank him all the same.

The silence stretched on as I refused to look at him, unwilling to speak with this fictional Shinji. He in turn said nothing yet all the while I could feel his gaze upon me. It's strange, but I can feel the hairs on my neck standing on end underneath his cool gaze, a sensation that seems too real for this all to be a dream. Yet, how could it be anything, but, people don't just suddenly age over night and I think would have remembered consenting to become the idiot's wife! That would have meant that when I woke up beside him…that I had given him…the very thought of giving my virginity to him made me go cold inside. As I had told my other self, he was nothing compared to Kaji, even in my vision of his adult body he was unremarkable, medium height and build, nothing special about him save his eyes.

Even though I wanted to deny it, something about his eyes made me forget myself, to desire him. The eyes of his true self, those were filled with softness yet my vision of him they had turned hard. The spine I had wanted him to grow stared right back at me making me feel weak in the knees. The fact of the emotions so openly made it all the harder to resist, a cunning trap my imagination had created for me. No matter, I would continue to resist for as long as it takes, until I can finally return to the waking world…my musings were interrupted when a third figure stepped into the room. Turning onto my back I looked up to see a woman in a nurse's uniform entering the room. She paused mid way as our eyes met before she spoke, stumbling over her words.

"Oh! Mrs Ikari, you're awake! I must get a doctor at once…"

She fled from the room almost immediately, as if the devil himself was upon her heels. What could possibly have scared her off like that was beyond me…that was until I looked over at Shinji. Even as my gaze settled upon him, I watched his eyes soften slowly, catching only a brief glimpse of the coldness that had been there but a moment before. For an instant I had believed myself looking into the eyes of his father, that same terrible empty gaze. Now more than ever I wanted to wake up, this dream was fast becoming a nightmare, one I no longer want to be a part of…the nurse chose that moment to return, a slightly older woman following behind her, dressed in a plain white blouse and grey skirt. She wore a white lab coat with a name badge attached, reading it almost choked, knowing the name all too well.

_Dr M Ibuki_

There was more writing beneath it but I paid it no mind, my mind racing as I tried to match up the face of the bridge technician I had seen so many times and the woman who now stood before me. It seemed that she had grown out her hair somewhat, perhaps why I had not recognised her at first, not only that but her expression seemed to have darkened. Why she would be here, in my dream, was something I could not understand, why her and not Misato, why was Shinji the one who was always around? The nurse hovered in the background, uncertain; at last she took note of this, sending the poor girl away.

"It's ok Ayumi, you can go now."

The nurse bowed gratefully and left, leaving the three of us alone.

"Asuka, I need you to help me. I want you to tell me everything that you remember doing before fainting, ok?"

Not truly seeing the point in answering her question but doing so anyway, I began to recount all that I could recall.

"Well, after Shinji came home last night after finally being freed from Unit-01…"

She cut me off mid sentence.

"Asuka, that was over eight years ago. Now is not the time to be playing around."

Growing frustrated with the foolishness of it all I screamed at her.

"I'm not playing around! I'm fed up with this stupid dream! I just want to wake up so I can say, 'idiot, thanks for saving my life' and get on with it!"

The reaction I received was not the one I had been expecting. Her face paled, her mouth hanging open, as it seemed she could not find the words. To my side I felt movement, finding myself suddenly pulled so that I faced Shinji, his face only moments from mine, gaze locked with my own. All I could see was twin orbs of blue, reflecting such terrible sadness and rage. I felt it then; deep down I could feel the truth within me, the lie that I had comforted myself with falling apart around me. Warm breath fell across my face as his lips parted, he prepared to speak. I willed myself not to hear him, to block out his words from my mind, to prevent my world from being broken again.

"Asuka…this is not a dream."

Fragments of reality rained down all around me, my vision of the world broken once again. I had been content to hold onto my belief that it had all been some figment of my sleeping mind yet now, in the light of truth, I had been forced to step out of the shadow of the lie. In a single night, eight years has passed me by, leaving no traces of their presence save for the shape of my body. I had passed into womanhood without knowing, gifted my innocence to a man born from a boy I could not stand. How could I have fallen so low as to allow him to touch me, let alone take him to my bed? I had married the boy who I always looked down upon, always cursed for being useless and weak…the very thought of it made a wave fresh sickness wash over me.

Not wanting to look at him but unable to look away I searched his eyes, searching for something about him, something to hate. Yet, all I found was genuine concern and worry, overshadowed by one thing only…love. Not the look of a simple crush, nor one of thoughtless desire, no, this was the look of a man deeply enraptured, who would give his very soul simply to have his love beside him a moment more. A special kind of madness, one I had seen in his father's eyes, the only time I had seen the older Ikari without his ever-present glasses. I had learned that Shinji, like me, had lost his mother, that after that he lost his father as well. That single instant had told me why, without his wife the man had died, all that remained was a bitter hollow shell.

As I thought of Shinji that way, a creature driven by nothing more than a warm memory, a fragment of what once filled a life with joy, I felt my heart tighten. Even to him I could not wish such a fate, even if I did not love him I would not see him turn that way. Not knowing what else to do, I tentatively reached up and touched his cheek, trying to reassure him in some way…without warning he closed upon me, his lips crashing against my own in a display of passion I would not have believed. Almost at once I pulled away, the broken look in his eyes making my almost habitual anger fade away. I desperately fought for something to say, anything to make it right, anything so that he would stop looking like a puppet with the strings all cut.

"Shinji…"

I never finished as he turned and fled, leaving me alone with Dr Ibuki, with her own face ashen. When she spoke, her voice was calm, betraying none of the inner turmoil evident in her eyes.

"I don't know what the hell happened to you but I sure hell intend to find out."

Nurses were summoned and soon many samples were taken before being placed in little tubes, labelled and carried away. She promised that she would bring me results soon—that they would undo whatever it was that had been done. As she left I found myself wondering, did I truly wish to return to how things had been…could I not just start over again? Relearn the things I had lost in that patch of time, to build a life for myself once again…I could leave this place, leave it all and him behind. Then the memory of his eyes returned to me and I knew I couldn't simply run, I had to know why he would look at me that way and if I could truly give such a look in return.

I don't know how long it was before I felt myself becoming impatient; I couldn't stand simply waiting for them to return. Searching around me I looked for something I could wear, the hospital gown left little to the imagination, the back was open revealing the fact I wore nothing beneath…I spotted a pile of clean clothes on a chair beside where Shinji had been sitting, from what I could see they looked like a uniform of some kind. Not having any other choice I slipped my feet off the bed and walked over to the chair. The first thing that caught my attention was a small id badge that lay atop the pile, looking more closely I found my own adult face looking right back at me. I picked it up and read the words aloud.

"Asuka Langley Ikari, Sub Commander, Nerv – Japan."

I almost dropped it in shock, unable to believe that even after all this time I still had not been able to escape the clutches of Nerv, not only that but now, in these past eight years, I had somehow reached the rank of sub commander. That would mean I was second to that man…not wishing to think of it any longer I laid down the badge on the edge and proceeded to dress, finally pinning the badge onto the breast pocket of my uniform's jacket. With no mirror to judge, I simply decided that this would be enough and proceeded towards the door and out into the hall. What greeted me were not the familiar halls of the hospital but rather the all too familiar interior of the heart of Nerv. I had been in the command centre all along…why he had brought me here rather than the hospital confused me, something I could sort out once I found out where he was.

I decided that the best place to look would be the bridge; surely someone there would be able to tell me where to find him. I set off in the direction I believed to be the right one, noticing the glances people gave me as I walked past them. One in particular stopped dead when he saw me and I suddenly realised I recognised that particular clueless expression.

"What the hells are you doing here stooge?"

"Hey! I work here too you know!"

I snorted in disbelief, until I noticed his name badge.

"Toji Suzahara, Section 2 Chief, Nerv – Japan."

I paused for a moment, allowing this new information to sink in…

"You? They made you head of security! Mein gott! What idiot did that?"

He looked at me blankly for a moment.

"The commander?"

He actually expected me to believe that Shinji's bastard father made him, one of the stooges, his head of security?

"I don't believe it…but never mind that, where's Shinji?"

"Where he usually is, where did you think he would be red?"

"Well as I have no idea where that is I order you to take me."

"What!"

"I'm you're superior aren't I? So get to it."

My response was a series of mumbled curses before he finally signalled for me to follow. He led me down various hallways, finally coming to a rest outside an all too familiar office. I glanced at him, as if to say 'are you serious?' He nodded and once again I turned to face the door, rereading the nameplate that rested before me.

_Commander Ikari _

In that brief instant, my mind returned to the dark place, finding my other self waiting for me.

_Welcome. _

"Why the hell am I here this time!"

_There are things you need to understand before you walk through that door, things that you do not remember._

"Nonsense! I know that Shinji is in there somewhere and that's all that matters. He and I are going to have a long discussion…"

_You will find nothing but pain if you seek him with a closed heart._

"What would you know? You're just a figment of my imagination!"

_Truly? Is that what you believe me to be?_

I snorted and the stupidity of her answer.

"Of course, what else could you be?"

She simply smiled at me, the smile of one who knows something you do not.

"Who are you? Tell me!"

_That, my dear Asuka, is something you will have to find out for yourself._

Without further comment she was gone, leaving me alone in the darkness. Not knowing how to leave this place I simply stood there, unmoving, trying to fathom the meaning of her words. Even as I did so the landscape began to shift and change all around me, reforming into a place that at best I had seen once or perhaps twice. I stood now in a rendition of the office of the supreme commander of Nerv, the place occupied by the man Shinji had called father. Empty save for a plain marble desk and large black leather chair, the strange glowing design etched into the ceiling overhead. This place was cold and empty, just like its sole occupant, the man who now sat before me, regarding me with cold and lifeless eyes.

"Why are you here pilot Sohryu?"

I was taken aback, rather than hearing his words in my head as I expected his voice rang out, echoing off the blank walls before falling upon my ears. I did not know what to say, how to speak to this man, the one I knew had abandoned his only son when he was only four years old…I never knew my father, I was born from a donation made in a sperm bank. All I had was my mother, up until the day she killed herself…

"Where's Shinji?"

I don't know where the words came from yet it seemed that was all I wanted to ask, to earn from him the location of his estranged son.

"Why do you believe that I would know the location of the third? I am not his guardian, if you wish to find him you should speak with major Katsuragi."

Something about the way he phrased his reply, the way he referred to Shinji simply as 'the third' set my teeth on edge. How could this man speak so coldly about his own son?

"What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you even admit that Shinji is your son? Do you have to keep referring to him as 'the third' as if he's some kind of tool?"

I felt, rather than saw the man's eyes harden. I could feel the cold malice in his words and gaze.

"Pilot Sohryu, I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour. I suggest you apologise and depart my office before I call Section 2 and have you taken to the cells."

It was then, as his words rang in my ears, I had a moment of insight.

"That's it, isn't it? You're afraid. You push Shinji away because he reminds you of who you were, because he reminds you of what you lost."

"Pilot Sohryu!"

"No! It's ridiculous! A grown man afraid of his own son!"

"Stop it!"

"A man who would use his position to silence anyone who would dare state the truth! A man who would send his only son to die time and time again without a word of thanks!"

"Yui!"

"A man who closed off his own heart and in his jealously would seek to inflict the same loneliness upon his own son."

"Shinji!"

Even his final cry echoed on my ears the world began to lose its shape, objects becoming blurry and indistinct as the illusion began to fade. Soon I found myself surrounded again by the endless void, all traces of the office gone. Expecting my other self to greet me I was surprised when she did not arrive, instead I found myself totally alone. Not know what else to do I simply seated myself on the cool black surface that passed for ground and waited. Slowly, a strange drowsiness swept over me and my eyes slid shut, cutting me off from my inner world.

My eyes came back into focus, looking once again at the metal nameplate only inches from my face. Looking around me the stooge still stood at my side, obviously this time my little interlude inside my mind had taken only a moment. Frustrated and impatient, I slammed my fist against the button to open the door, my encounter with his shadow only making me want to hurt the man even more. I watched as it slid aside to reveal the room beyond, regarding the figure wreathed in shadow with a wary eye. I could hear multiple voices speaking, began to notice strange lighter points around his desk forming a rough circle around it. I assume he was having some kind of conference, not that I really cared about that. I had come here to find out what he had done with Shinji and nothing was going to get in my way of doing so.

As I stepped inside I spared a brief glance for the interior, finding it to be almost exactly as it had been in my mind. The thing that caught my attention most was something placed to the left and a little behind the main desk, a second, smaller desk stood there, complete with it own rather worn yet comfortable looking chair. Wondering what had warranted this addition, it wasn't like that bastard to do something as nice as put in a second desk for the sub commander…for me, yet another thing I would have to get used to. Still, I was yet to locate Shinji, the fact he did not seem to be present sending an unexpected pang of fear through my heart. Feeling my anger slipping I strode forward, intent on facing him before it had entirely faded.

I closed the distance quickly, looking but not seeing the figure before me as I grabbed him by the collar and lifted him from his chair. I was shocked to find myself staring into all too familiar blue eyes…

"Pardon me a moment gentlemen, my…it appears my wife needs to speak with me for a moment."

The calm tone of his voice barely concealed the anger beneath; I was so shocked by the fact that it had been Shinji sitting there rather than his father I barely noticed the agreements from the others before the lights dimmed slightly. Now I stood nose to nose with Shinji, looking deep into his eyes and for the first time since I had met him, not being able to think of a thing to say…in the end it was he who broke the silence.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

His hissed at me, his rage no longer restrained, I could tell, although I was not sure how, that this was not simply frustration at my interrupting of his meeting but more because of the incident that had transpired earlier, in the medical room. Still reeling somewhat from both the revelation of his position as commander and his subsequent rage at my interruption, I did not initially react when he moved his face forwards ever so slightly, capturing my lips with his own…after my brain finally kicked in and I realised what was happening, I pulled away sharply, gasping for air. For an instant there was a terrible sadness in his eyes before it was replaced once more with rage.

"Go. Sit."

He pointed towards the smaller desk behind his own, motioning for me to sit down. For a brief moment I considered simply ignoring him yet the tone of his voice told me otherwise, I quietly did as I was told. He turned his attention then back to the other people, as he seated himself once again they grew brighter, I assume signifying they were connected once again.

"My apologies for the interruption gentlemen, my wife is a little irritable at the moment, the anniversary of our guardian's passing is tomorrow…now, if we could get back to business…"

I heard almost nothing of what followed, my mind only registering a single fact, that Misato was dead. I fell into the chair, feeling as if the floor had been cut out from under me. Nothing I had encountered in this place so far had prepared me for this—that the woman I saw as a surrogate older sister, perhaps even a mother, had died. The worst part of it was I could not even recall her passing, the most recent memories I held were of the month when he had been away and the few moments she and I had spent talking over cartons of take out. To think that those memories would be the last ones I would ever have of her…the thought of it chilled me to the bone.

I wanted to ask Shinji about it, to try and understand how this had happened, how she had been taken away from us both. Was it the same incident that had taken his father? There was no way Shinji would have been commander if the old man had been alive…could it be that he was the one who killed him? That Shinji finally paid him back for all the pain he had caused him by ending his life…the thought of it chilled me even more, the fact that I had willing shared myself with a man whose hands were soaked in his father's blood…no! This is ridiculous! The Shinji I know would never do something like that! He wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone that man. He was so afraid of him, so desperate for his acceptance; he couldn't have killed him…

Yet, the man who stands before me is not the same boy I know. There is something different about him, something I cannot fathom. I don't know what is wrong but there is something else, something more to him now, an aura that was never there before, one that scares me despite myself.

"Asuka."

I looked up, realising that while I had been lost in my thoughts his meeting had concluded and now it was simply the two of us alone in the shadows.

"We need to talk."

I nodded in reply, hoping that now I would get answers to all the questions I did not want to ask.

Rather than stay in the office he led me to the Nerv cafeteria, a place I had not visited often. It seemed rather empty, only a few technicians here and there, yet not knowing the time of day meant that I could not tell if this was normal. As we walked past the many simple tables, heads turned to look as briefly before turning away, back to their own conversations. From what I could pick up, we were not mentioned as a subject, anyone who made that sort of comment quickly hushed by their fellows. I could see it in their eyes; in their whole demeanour…they were afraid. For some reason Shinji's presence seemed to put them on edge, almost as if they were afraid of displeasing him. Not even his father had created such a visible aura of fear; it was so thick you could almost taste it.

We stopped at a secluded booth, located near the back of the cafeteria. He motioned for me to sit once again; I silently complied before he slid in beside me. What I was not expecting was a man in Nerv uniform to approach our table; a small cloth draped over one arm.

"Sir, would you and the Sub Commander like some drinks to start or would you rather order now."

"Water, for the both of us. We need some time to consider our order."

"Very good sir."

The man turned and walked away, leaving us alone again. Sensing an opening I was about to ask him a question when he began talking.

"Misato died eight years ago, during an assault on Nerv by the JSDF. She was killed by a group of soldiers sent to claim my life, her final act was to push me into an elevator leading down to where Unit-01 was being held and ordering me to go after you."

I found myself unable to speak, too many questions wanting to be spoken all at once. Without waiting for any sign that I had heard he continued, this time taking a different track.

"Nerv was controlled by a second organisation, known only as Seele. They were the ones behind the human instrumentality project, a project designed to create third impact."

He paused for a moment as the waiter returned and placed two glasses on the table in front of us before filling them with water from a large glass bottle. He placed it gently on the table, leaving the top partially unscrewed before bowing and departing once again. Shinji reached out, picking up the glass in one gloved hand before lifting it slowly to his lips and taking a few sips. Looking down into the clear liquid, his eyes seemly oddly distant, he continued the tale.

"It seems that my father had plans of his own, ones that did not meet with their approval. They attacked Nerv, intent on taking control of Unit-01, the means to control third impact and bind it to their will. They failed, my father's plan was successful in part, trapped within Unit-01 I became the unwilling god of third impact, and given the power to remake the world…I rejected both visions, instead returning all things to how they had been, thwarting their plans."

It sounded like madness, like the plot of some lowbrow science fiction novel, yet, every word he spoke I could tell was true, even if I wished it wasn't.

"Life went on, things slowly returned to normal. Three years of peace before they showed up again, throwing what little life I had been able to build into chaos."

_"Mr. Ikari?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"I am a representative of SEELE, my employers have a business proposition they would like me to discuss with you. We would like you to assist us in continuing your parents' research, the project they were working on before their untimely demise."_

_"And if I refuse?"_

_"Then I fear that the lovely Miss Sohryu may suffer a rather…unfortunate fate. A one similar to that of her mother…"_

_"I accept."_

_"Excellent Mr. Ikari, we never had any doubt. I shall look forwards to seeing you both at Nerv headquarters tomorrow at 0900 hours."_

_"Both?"_

_"Did I not tell you? Miss Sohryu has already accepted a position at the newly reinstated Nerv."_

"The next two years I spent as little more than a guinea pig for their experiments…they did things, terrible things to me, trying to understand why I had been the one that the mother had chosen. All the while I secretly copied files, obtained records, building enough information to expose them one and for all. It took me two long, painful years to finally gather enough to put them away forever, on that day I sprung the trap, police forces around the world arresting them all in a matter of minutes. They were held accountable before the leaders of the world and sentenced to life behind bars. They were to die in jail, trapped in the world they so disdained."

So many things to process, so many mysteries to understand…still, one thing stood out most of all in my mind.

"What about us? Why are we still in charge of Nerv?"

He looked up at me for the first time since we had come here, showing me his eyes. Blue orbs now danced with flecks of crimson, giving him an inhuman gaze. Eyes no longer full of rage but instead with sorrow, the look of a man who has seen too much pain.

"When the trial ended I was called forward to stand before them all. Not knowing what to expect I went and stood at the centre, shocked when all of them stood and bowed to me. They all had heard what happened and all wanted to express their thanks…despite all the people that died they did not blame me; instead they offered me the chance to undo all the evils that SEELE had created. Nerv was reborn with a new goal, to reverse the effects of both second and third impact and to destroy whatever remnants of the forbidden research remained."

I struggled for something to say, some way to take that terrible sorrow from his eyes, the same empty gaze that had been in my mother's eyes…before I could say something someone called out room across the other side of the cafeteria, calling our attention away.

"Commander!"

We both looked up to see Dr Ibuki running towards us, a wedge of papers held firmly in one hand, a determined look on her face.

"Sir! We just got back the results from the tests, you really both need to come and see this."

AN: And so Forgotten is reborn again, this time I think I actually managed to capture the original idea I had somewhat better.

As for updates…don't hold your breath. They'll come when I have time between the writing of a horde of other stories.

Thanks for reading anyway,

Hououza

Chapter preread by Forgotten Diary


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